Christmas Traditions.

When you meet me, the first thing you'll find out is I'll cook you or bake you just about anything. No matter what.

You sad? Here, have some cookies.

You happy? Here, have some brownies.

You hungry? Here, have a burrito.

I'm good like that.

One thing you'll learn about me is that I love Christmas. I love it. LOVE it. I can't emphasize that point enough. I'm giddy for homemade Christmas tree ornaments. I adore decorating the house. Oh, Christmas movies? Forget about it. Those, I'll watch all year. 

Christmas is my holiday.

Every year, the day after Thanksgiving (as long as I'm not terribly busy) the decorations come up and Christmas throws up its metaphorical goods all over my house while my tv spews "JOY TO THE WORLD" as Clark Griswold lit up his house dedicated to the Griswold Family Christmas.

It's a tradition.

Every family has their own. We're still a rather new family. We're still working on our traditions.

But one tradition I will NOT understand is the whole Elf On The Shelf thing.

That little cartoon elf? The one on the book? That thing's cute, huh? Adorable, even.

The one in the box? Um..yeah. No. Not happening. Someone PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one.

That thing is going to use its magic to kill me off in the middle of the night.

The info on the official Elf on the Shelf website states:

The Elf Tradition

Have you ever wondered how Santa knows who is naughty and who is nice? The Elf on the Shelf®: A Christmas Tradition is the very special tool that helps Santa know who to put on the Naughty and Nice list. This interactive holiday hide-and-seek tradition is perfect for children and families of all ages.

The tradition begins when Santa sends his scout elves out to Elf Adoption Centers. Waiting for their families to bring them home, these patient elves hibernate until their family reads The Elf on the Shelf, gives their elf a very special name, and registers their adoption online. Once named, each scout elf will receive its Christmas magic and become a part of the family’s Christmas each and every year.

Excellent listeners and even better observers, these scout elves are the eyes and ears of Santa Claus. Although they cannot be touched, or else they may lose their magic, the elf will always listen and relay messages back to Santa. Taking in all the day-to-day activities around the house, no good deed goes unnoticed; these scout elves take their job seriously.

Each night, after the family goes to bed, the scout elf uses his magical Christmas powers to fly back to the North Pole. Once there, the elf will make his or her daily report to Santa and visit with elf friends where they will tell stories about their beloved families, play with the reindeer, and of course, sneak some of Mrs. Claus’ cookies!

Before the family awakes each morning, their special scout elf will fly back to their home from the North Pole. However, since these elves like to play games, don’t expect to find them in the same spot!  While some like to hide in the freezer (probably because it reminds them of the North Pole) and others prefer to sit on the fireplace mantle or hang from the chandelier, these elves love to play hide-and-seek with their families.

On Christmas Eve, the scout elf will listen for Santa’s bell and then fly back to the North Pole until the next season, wishing every girl and each boy a Christmas of peace and a year full of joy. Join the tradition and adopt your own Elf on the Shelf now!

Cool story, bro.

So this elf, you buy it, name it, read the book. It watches your kids to report back to the Big Guy on if they've been good or not. The concept alone is great. Good job, creators. 

But then this part about the elf moving? Traveling? Likes playing games? One thing is screaming out to me.

Seriously, this movie gave me nightmares for a solid week.

Now, I'm not going to lie. I've been tempted to get one for one solid reason:

I LOVE seeing the photos of the "mischief" that my friends are posting on Facebook.

Some of their creativity has me rolling. It's excellent. I can imagine the looks on the kids' faces. It would be epic.

But that doll...that..no. It's not a doll. It's a possessed form of plastic, polyester fluffing, and good intention.

It really bums me out, though, because I try to be that mom. You know which one I'm talking about. The one that volunteers for everything school related. The one that goes on 0 hours of sleep a night to make sure everything is just perfect. The one that bakes cookies and goodies from scratch. I try for that. I AIM for that. 

If that elf wasn't so creepy, it'd be in my house.

I never got to really celebrate Christmas with the whole "Santa" thing when I was younger. And as I got older, I was kind of bitter about it. It was like I was robbed of something magical as a kid. I never got to experience the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny, either. Oh, sure. I got money for losing teeth. I got gifts on Christmas. I got an Easter basket full of goodies. I didn't miss any of that. But, man, the spirit of it all? I never had it. I WANT my kids to have that. Even if it means eating a dozen cookies and finishing off a glass of milk on Christmas Eve. I DESPERATELY want them to grow with the stories of magic and wonderment and, once they're parents, to be able to enjoy those moments with their kids. 

Screw it. I'm just going to crochet a little toy figurine that was mailed here from Santa. I mean, that's a good compromise, right?

Better than looking into the eyes of that soul-less being thing that's for sale at Target for $30.